Well, all through the blogosphere I'm sure there are tons of posts about how great Dads are. This isn't exactly one of those posts.
Father's Day is a really hard time for me. I want to be supportive of all of the excellent fathers out there. And there are a lot of them. But this time of year people keep talking about giving thanks to their fathers and I can't help but feel left out. I've had people tell me how even if my Dad could be a jerk, that I should be thankful for all he did for me. I've had people tell me that I should send him a card for father's day. Or call him.
But the fact of the matter is, it's just hard for me to even talk about my dad. You see, I completely idolized him as a kid. He did so many cool things. He worked with computers (at a time when they used punchcards and took up a huge room) and I thought that was cool. He had the coolest board games (like his Parcheesi game). He had a train set and built cool little buildings and painted toy trucks and such. We watched sci-fi movies, planet of the apes movies, voyage to the bottom of the sea and, of course, he took me to see a little movie called Star Wars.
But, by the time I was about 6 or 7 he went missing in action even though he still lived in the same house with us. I felt like I was completely ignored by my dad. He wasn't there for us at home; he wasn't there at ball games, at school, wasn't there for music lessons. And the few times that he was present in our lives, he was abusive. Calling us horrible things, doing even worse things.
So I can fondly remember the few moments of fun that I shared with him. But those moments are still tainted by the names he called me and the things that he did to me. And I'm just torn to pieces on Father's Day. I want to be like everyone else and be grateful for all the great dads out there. And I want to honor my dad. But sometimes, sometimes there's just too much pain to join whole-heartedly in the happy celebrations.
So to all you Dads out there, the best I can do is celebrate the individuals I know and wish a general have a good day.
Posted by Red Monkey at June 19, 2005 11:02 AM |
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