WTF is wrong with people?
February 22, 2006

Ask any ER doctor and they'll tell you without hesitating ... people are frickin' crazy. Ask them to share some full moon stories and you'll be amazed at just exactly how STUPID people can be. What? You want examples? Sure ... here you go ... warning ... many of these are of an adult nature ... use caution in clicking through to the rest of the story.

A teaser:
A Hard Pencil
Butt He Told Me To Sit On It
Hard Ass

I heard most of these stories yesterday as some friends seemed determined to out-bizarre each other with the strange things people do.

Calvin and Tanya have decided that their sex life is simply not interesting enough. So, having read something about inserting needles into the breast, they proceed to make a pincushion out of Tanya's breasts. They forego the needle idea because they have more pins laying around the house than needles. In the course of their play, one of the pins becomes lost in ... ahh, the ampleness of Tanya. Eager to continue their play, Calvin grabs an Xacto knife and begins hunting for the lost pin. After several attempts at digging it out, Tanya finally cries, "red" and they head off to the emergency room to have it surgically removed.

Undaunted, Calvin and Tanya will make a re-appearance in a moment. (And yes, their names have been changed because I actually know the people who did this.)

This one comes from a friend who worked an ER. We were discussing the insanity that surrounds full moons and she told me this story (as well as Toothpaste).

A latino family comes into the ER surrounding a little 15 year old girl. They have come in with a jar that has something floating in it.

The patriarch steps forward. Nods at the 15 year old, "She had a miscarriage."

The nurse is confused ... "She's having a miscarriage?"

There is a brief huddle as the younger folk try to interpret for their elders. Finally, a young boy pipes up with, "No, she already had it." He takes the jar and thrusts it at the nurse. "We needa know if it's a boy or the girl so we can name it for funeral. Priest won't do the mass if we don't gotta name."

A bit taken aback, the nurse takes the jar to the back where it's eventually evaluated. After a quick examination and much chuckling, the nurses realize that they need to educate the teenager a bit. They go out to meet the family again. But now, they have to try to keep a straight face as the family is somberly waiting to know whether to name the stillbirth Jaime or Anita.

Because the 15 year old gave birth to a tampon.

Evidently she'd not been told she needed to remove it. Yikes ... what a way to admit you've been having sex at 15!

A Hard-Pencil
Now we're back to Calvin and Tanya ... for whatever passes for reason in Calvin's small brain, he'd decided to insert a pencil in his member. I don't know if he thought that this would make him harder or if he thought it just might be pleasurable. Frankly, whichever one he thought, I think he's insane!

Another trip to the ER, by which point the doctors all recognize the couple. He stammers and attempts to tell the unbelieving doctors that he had just gotten out of the shower and dropped something, which rolled under the bed. The pencil, he claimed, lodged in his member as he lay down on the floor and scooted around to dig out whatever rolled under the bed.

Now, I thought this was just something that Calvin had tried. Yesterday, someone told me about this gentleman from Serbia who also thought that a pencil up the member was a good idea. Evidently, Zeljko Tupic had never heard of Viagra and thought that a pencil in the penis would be a good way to keep himself hard ... however, the pencil shifted during his playtime with his girlfriend and ... get this ... he ruptured his bladder with the pencil!

I cannot imagine that there are truly even two men in the world who felt that sticking something up that hole would be a good idea. I'm cringing just thinking of it!

Now for a bit of a hodge-podge of stories:
Butt He Told Me To Sit On It
First up, a joke I heard yesterday from As Confusion Sets In:
A guy walks into an emergency room and he has a cat stuck in his butt. The doctor asks, "Why do you have a cat stuck in your behind?" The man responds, "How else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?"

Then, there was the woman who inserted the head of a screwdriver up her husband's behind. Evidently this poses an interesting problem because the handle is wider at the top, so when shoved in handle first, be careful not to let it go all the way in because you can't just pull it out by the metal part. The guy had to be wheeled out, ass in the air, on the stretcher and taken to the hospital.
(I feel dirty just for having heard that yesterday.)

Of course, there's also the story of the woman who used an old-style pop bottle, open end first. Built up a bit of a vaccum and had to go to the ER for removal.

And the woman who inserted a full 2-liter of pop ... evidently this was a video circulating the internets for a while.

Or, of course, the guy who had a Barbie doll stuck up the behind ... have to be careful removing those since their little heads just pop right off.

Winner of the seriously-you're-a-dumbass award goes to the x-ray of the revolver up the anus. WHY would you think shoving a loaded (yes, loaded) gun up your ass would be a good idea?

Another ER true story from the same nurse. An old Serbian family came into the ER with a hobbling grandfather in tow.

"He has not gone to the bowel movement in several days now," announced the middle-aged son.

They dutifully wheel him in for x-rays. Soon, every nurse and doctor in the ER is staring at the developed x-rays. They draw straws as to who will go out to talk to the family.

"I'm not surprised that your father has not been able to go to the restroom. He has a fifth of scotch stuck up his behind."

The family was unfazed.

"Yes, he thought it was a tube of toothpaste."


No further explanation was ever heard on that one. What possesses people to stick weird shit up their butts???
"What'd you do this weekend, Maynard?"
"Oh, I thought I try to find the weirdest thing in the house that I could get stuck up the butt."
Can people really be that bored AND that stupid???

Last but not least:
Hard Ass
Here's another one with a link. Evidently some men think that if something hard up the ass feels good, why not go for something really hard?

Doctors Peter Stephens and Mark Taff describe a young man who came in with "no apparent distress" other than the fact that he had something lodged in his behind. The x-ray showed something in the rectum ... and "upon further questioning," the young man finally admitted that he'd had his boyfriend pour cement into his behind. Oddly enough, it began to hurt as it hardened ... hence the trip to the ER.

The concrete was removed in one piece, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum ... but when the doctors chipped off the edge of the concrete because the x-ray showed something inside the concrete - they found a ping-pong ball!

Someone asked what the ping pong ball was for ... not realizing that it had been in the concrete, I responded it must be to keep the gerbil busy!

Like I said, WTF is wrong with people?????

Posted by Red Monkey at February 22, 2006 10:05 AM | Never Underestimate the Power of Human Stupidity | | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble |


otilius said:


February 22, 2006 11:12 AM


guppyman said:

Who knew our little conversation would make such a good post?


February 22, 2006 11:13 AM


Mr. Matt said:

Ahhh... The sick people that are among us 'normal people' always have me wondering... "What are they going to stick up there next..."

February 22, 2006 11:18 AM


OldGuy said:

People like this shouldn't be allowed to have children coz then the weirdness spreads.

February 22, 2006 12:26 PM


Shelly said:

I laughed and laughed at the adventures of Calvin and Tanya. Wow, they sure are creative!

February 22, 2006 1:35 PM

This is a great memory to look back on for laughing your ass off!!! This was a great conversation and won't be forgotten anytime soon.

February 23, 2006 12:31 PM
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