Ax Murderer
May 28, 2006

Finally the weather here is getting warm and I can actually revel in being outdoors again without having to put on 18 different layers and wondering if I'm going to get a cold rash (don't ask ... turns out I'm actually allergic to the cold). And as I was watching a brother and sister run around in the glorious - though terribly humid - weather, I was reminded of when I had first moved from Austin to DFW.

My mom and I were back in her bedroom going through plans for something or another ... I was probably in trouble again for wandering out of earshot, actually, now that I think about it. So we're discussing what to do with me now and we hear this utter, ear-piercing, someone-is-stabbing me-to-death, utter screeching from my little sister who is just about to turn five. Mom and I exchange that startled glance "Oh crap, what the ..."

And Mom motions me to go on.

I flee through the house in full superhero mode, I mean I can't get to the back door fast enough. Pelting pell-mell through the unfinished patio that Dad was building on the weekends and pull up near the shed where my sister is standing, tremulously pointing at the tool shed. You know, one of those hideous white metal things that everyone had in the 70s and 80s.

There is no blood on my sister, but she still hasn't stopped screaming. I can't decide if it's more important to cover my ears or find out what's going on. I mean, that kid has LUNGS.

So, I carefully, with much trepidation, peer around the side of the shed. I am positive that lurking in the corner between the shed and the back fence, there is an ax murderer. There must be. My kid sister is just petrified. I have to protect her.

I should also mention that I wanted to be a cop at this age. This would be my first collar. Impressive for an almost nine-year-old. I screw up all my courage ... peer around the corner ... I am picturing this deranged man, hunched down over his axe.


Nothing at all.

I screw up all my courage again ... he must be hiding back further behind the shed. I walk back there ... I'll be pratically trapped if he lunges at me.


Geez. Talk about anti-climactic.

So, I waltz back around the front of the shed and stand, hands on hips, in front of my sister.

"WHY are you screaming?"

She doesn't hear me the first time. Because she is still screaming bloody freaking murder. Even though there has been no murder. I'm beginning to contemplate one, however.


With the next breath and the next bit of screaming, only discernable to someone who has spent the past almost five years learning her version of screamed English, I get what the issue is.


There's an ant.

On her finger.

The one that she is holding out away from her body. As if that will keep it away from her ... as if that finger is no longer a part of her.

In utter older sibling disgust, I take one glance at the ant on her tiny outstretched hand and roll my eyes. You have GOT to be kidding me.

I start back into the house and she becomes even MORE hysterical. So, as if I had planned it this way all along, I slap at her outstretched finger as I pass by, both whacking her for being a dork and getting rid of said ant, all in one fell blow.

At least the ax murderer theory was more interesting.

Ants. Geez.

Posted by Red Monkey at May 28, 2006 4:40 PM | Storytelling: She was, of course, supposed to be sleeping. | | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble |


presentstorm said:

ROTF... Is she still that much of a spaz? That is histerical...

May 28, 2006 6:04 PM


michele said:

Ender a life a bitch!

May 28, 2006 9:00 PM


Red said:

Now that I have stopped laughing....This is so funny, reminds me of my mom. ROFL

May 29, 2006 7:44 AM

OMG!! An ant! I could eat those for dinner! That was a hilarious story! I enjoyed it!!


May 29, 2006 10:27 AM


michele said:

I read it again sober,that is too funny,an ant doesn't
freak me out not unless it's an army.Now a spider
is a different story,i can see me screaming my butt off.

May 29, 2006 3:12 PM


mwgrl5 said:

Too funny! Leave it to little sisters to be stupid like that! I have four...I know what you're talking about.

Floated here via BlogMad; I'll have to come back!

May 29, 2006 4:15 PM
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