Jesus Talks
July 30, 2007

This is a satirical post. If you are super-sensitive about religion, ya might not wanna read this post. In fact, I should probably rip off the intro to Kevin Smith's Dogma for this. Yeah ... yeah I should.

Disclaimer: 1) a renunciation of any claim to or connection with; 2) disavowal; 3) a statement made to save one's own ass.
Though it'll go without saying ten minutes or so into these proceedings, View Askew would like to state that this film is from start to finish a work of comedic fantasy, not to be taken seriously. To insist that any of what follows is incendiary or inflammatory is to miss our intention and pass judgment; and passing judgment is reserved for God and God alone (this goes for you film critics too...just kidding).
So please before you think about hurting someone over this trifle of a film, remember: even God has a sense of humor. Just look at the Platypus. Thank you and enjoy the show.
P.S. We sincerely apologize to all Platypus enthusiasts out there who are offended by that thoughtless comment about Platypi. We at View Askew respect the noble Platypus, and it is not our intention to slight these stupid creatures in any way. Thank you again and enjoy the show.

Okay, so this isn't a film and has nothing to do with Kevin Smith. But yanno ... sense of humour ... satire ... it fits ... really.

According to the BBC, Walmart will soon be test marketing a new line of action figures and toys in 425 of their 3300 stores in the U.S. I believe the toy line is called the Tales of Glory ... a Bible based set of action figures as well as a 12" (the "big" G.I. Joe size) talking Jesus doll who quotes scriptures and three inch high preschooler figure of Daniel and the lion's den.

I can see it now ...

Loki: Hey, Danny. Guess what I got for Christmas? I got the big collector edition of Optimus Prime and I got the new Spiderman playset and a stormtrooper blaster that fires pieces of potato. What'd you get?

Daniel: Well, I got Jesus for Christmas. (beat) Wanna hear him talk about fishing for men? (whispered) Do you think Jesus was gay? I mean, he's fishing for men ... and he only hung out with the disciples and they were all men.

Act NOW and get a BONUS tape for your Talking Jesus with fun quotes like these:

"Great, you got GOD for Christmas and all I got was a lousy manger full of hay. Do you have ANY idea how scratchy a bed of hay is?"

Coming soon:
Talking Paul ... he'll read you the book of Leviticus and remind you of such things as:
Don't play football (you can't touch the skin of a dead pig) (11)
Don't eat blood. (17:10)
And ... the story of the Good Samaritan will play every other time you pull Jesus' string! No more will you have peace as you blithely pass by the homeless begging for booze and food and work ... no more will you be able to pass a broken down car on the side of the road without your good little Christian children telling you that you should stop and help because Jesus SAID SO.

and soooooo much more!

Hurry, order your child's indoctrination today!

Posted by Red Monkey at July 30, 2007 8:16 AM | People Say I Have ADHD, But I Think - Hey Look, A Chicken | | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble |


Jodi said:

You crack me up... I will save a seat in the hot place for ya;)


July 30, 2007 5:41 PM


trish said:

I'm already gonna have my mail forwarded to my little spot in hell.. and I still think they should sell vibrating crosses. Yep. Blasphemy. I'm all over it. ;)

August 2, 2007 9:26 AM

Heh. Makes perfect sense to me. Every time I see 12 inches, I say "Jesus!"

August 2, 2007 12:48 PM
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