Quit Pulling My Leg
October 2, 2007

People will save anything. I should know. I'm a consummate pack rat myself. When I moved from Texas to Indiana, I broke down and got rid of a bunch of stuff. And I do mean stuff.

Eight big, black, bloated bags of umm. Well. I feel kinda sheepish explaining it to you. They were filled with cardboard and umm packing materials and bits of plastic and string and umm, nifty looking stuff.

Now, in my defense, I'm a crafty li'l bugger. I make things. Things like this toy. Or this wall desk. So while I hoard "stuff" ... I try to keep it down to stuff I will actually use. (And I took all eight of those bags of good stuff over to a friend's house ... he is also a consummate stuff-maker.)

But there is stuff that you keep and trade and even sell. And there is stuff that you simply don't mess with.

For example, this dude in North Carolina. He was in a plane crash back in 2004.

Well actually, let me start with the recent events instead.

Ya see, if you don't pay your bill at a storage facility, they sell your crap. You know, to make their money back and stuff. So, this bloke buys a decent little smoker and thinks, hey, I can have a barbecue this weekend. He gets his sales slip that says he owns the smoker and its contents.

Yeah, about that.

Mr Whisnant gets home (have you noticed his name? I tell you, you can not make this shit up ... he sounds like a pissant to me) and he opens up the smoker ... ready to fire it up. Luckily he looked inside first. (Is the suspense killing you yet?)

Inside the smoker is ...

really, you won't believe this one.

An amputated leg.

See, back in 2004, Mr Wood was in a plane crash and his leg was amputated. But he wanted to be buried "a whole man" (several religions require this, so it's not quite as odd as it might sound). So, of course, Mr Whisnant calls the cops, who determine that it was not removed by a serial leg collector or anything, and they toss it at a local funeral home so that Mr Wood can have his leg back. (Are you kidding me? I mean, really? His name is Mr Wood? There are sooooo many places you could go with that name. But I'll leave that to Happily Anonymous instead.)

Meanwhile, Mr Whisnant has been selling tickets to the nearby vaguely sentient creatures that somewhat pass for human in his locale. Tickets to what? To look at the inside of the freaking empty grill. The one that used to hold a human leg.

And, apparently, business in looking at an empty grill is just BOOMING in Maiden, North Carolina. I mean, really, what else is there to do there? Skip stones like Opie and Andy Griffith? So, Mr Whisnant asked the funeral home to give him the leg back. After all, it was found in his cooker and it ought to be his leg, right?

The funeral home refused. Mr Whisnant contacted Mr Wood and asked for, get this, shared custody. Why? Because he can charge more money for his tickets it being close to Halloween and all.

Mr Wood insists he doesn't really want to make any money off his leg.

Naturally, this has pissed off the intrepid Mr Whatsit, I mean, Mr Whisnant. He has a receipt, dammit. He paid for the thing! By gum and by golly, that's his leg now and he can dance around as the three-legged wonder man if he jolly well wants to. It's his god-given american RIGHT by virtue of the almighty dollar!

Yeah, he says if they don't give him his furry foot back ... sorry, that's a kid's halloween story, my bad ... if they don't give him Mr Wood's amputated leg back, he's gonna take 'em to court.

According to the BBC, he claims: "Everybody knows it's mine, period," he said. "And if anyone tries to take it, I want everything they got."

Now there's a real humanitarian for you.

I'm pretty sure you can't really buy and sell actual body parts. I think he maybe doesn't have a legal leg to stand on. I'm thinking he might just have to stand on his own two legs with this one.

Questions for the astute among you:
1) How badly does Mr Wood want to be buried a whole man if he forgot he left his leg in a smoker in a storage facility in North Carolina? (he lives in Greenville, South Carolina, now)
2) What does that leg look like after it was amputated THREE frigging years ago? Is it preserved in some way? Has it already been embalmed?
3) Despite the fact that I am a Southerner, I firmly believe that Mr Pissant must be a buck-toothed yokel from the sticks to really think he's gonna keep that leg. What do you think? Is this guy that one from the trailer park the media keeps "on tap" for every natural disaster which occurs in the South?

(I know, I know. I'm so going to hell for this post.)

Posted by Red Monkey at October 2, 2007 3:12 PM | Never Underestimate the Power of Human Stupidity | | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble |


Claire said:

The good old BBC , trust them to report in the important things happening in the US of A :)

"Everybody knows it's mine, period," he said. "And if anyone tries to take it, I want everything they got."

That is one great quote :)

October 2, 2007 4:42 PM


mikster said:

lmao.... Only in america, and below the Mason-Dixon line to boot.

October 2, 2007 5:21 PM


Heather said:

wow. i got nothing.

and that NEVER happens.

me being speechless.

October 2, 2007 5:30 PM


Dane Morgan said:

Stop being so hard on Cleatus. Him jes is tryna' git a leg up in da werld. Youns bin sayed you was from da SOUTH, well shornuff you shood know that finders is keepers is the gold rule set down by Baby Jesus his own sef. And if'n da man has gots a reeceet, well, hims got his rights, him does. Thems tha laws, and tha laws is the laws. Lawdy be!

October 2, 2007 8:40 PM
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